He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
