Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
