the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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