Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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