I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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