Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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