i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
