Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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