My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
