Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
