I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
