The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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