she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you would pick up someone in the library
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
