It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
