the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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