I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
