ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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