So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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