somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just googled if crying burns calories
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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