I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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