Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
