If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
