i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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