So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
