no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
