I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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