I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
this hospital has no fireball
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
