does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
