My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
