sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
