I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
