we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
