The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
