Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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