I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
