also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
