Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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