I haven't been this sober since birth.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
