sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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