I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
