I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
