I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
