i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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