I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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