I think I won the penis lottery.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I die, sorry about rent.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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