I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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