I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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