if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
