I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
