I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
