paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
